“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! … Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear.” – Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Tomorrow morning I have my first appointment with an endocrinologist. For the last six and a half years, the management of my type 2 diabetes has been overseen by my primary care doctor. Due to some progression, changes that I want to make in my treatment regimen, and lack of knowledge on the doctor’s part, I’m switching to an endo.
When the idea of changing doctors first came up a couple of months ago, I was actually kind of excited and was looking forward to to working with someone new and getting a fresh perspective on things.
As I sit here now, working on the questionnaire that I have to complete for the appointment, I find myself filled with anxiety and fear. Fear of the unknown. What will this new doctor be like? Will he be understanding of my situation and willing to work with me, or will he be dismissive and judgmental. Lots of what ifs in my mind. And lots of defensive responses forming to the judgment and criticism than I fear may be coming.
And if I’m being honest, I’m feeling some guilt and self loathing. It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling for month and haven’t been on top of things as I had been. And all of the questions I’m responding to are painful reminders of that. If I’m feeling like this now, how the hell am I going to get through the appointment with the endo tomorrow?
I hope I’m wrong. I hope the doctor will be kind and understanding and everything else I need. I hope I’m pleasantly surprised and my anxiety and fears will be for nothing.
But should the inquisition come, I hope I don’t completely lose my shit in that office. I’m not holding my breath.
To be continued…