They say that the first step in solving a problem is admitting that you have a problem. As difficult as it is for me to do so, I must take this step so that I can begin the process of getting back to being myself.
The last couple of months have been a real struggle. Watching my aunt die really messed me up mentally, and stirred the “why bother?” demons that I’ve fought with off and on since diagnosis.
I’ve been losing that fight the last 2 months and have finally admitted to myself, and now everyone else, that:
I’m Burned out and Overwhelmed, and that has led to Neglect in my self-care & management of the Diseases I live with, and has resulted in a great deal Self-loathing.
I haven’t had the drive to care for myself as I have been. For almost 5 years, I’ve thrown myself head first into my treatment and management routines. Always on top of things. Yet there are now large gaps in my glucose logs. And other lapses that just aren’t normal for me. Let alone healthy.
And as for advocacy? Well, that hasn’t been a priority either. Prior to the anniversary post a few days ago, I had not written anything new here on MDH in over a month. I haven’t been very active elsewhere either.
It’s not that I don’t care or that I’m in denial or anything like that. It’s that I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. And right now, I don’t feel that I have anything left of myself to give.
I’m angry at myself. I hate the feeling that I’m losing control. I hate feeling weak and that I’m failing.
Eventually, I’ll find my way out of this dark place I’m in and get back to being me. I have no idea how long that may take, but I’ve taken the first step toward getting there.
I guess that counts for something.