Depression,  Diabetes,  Health,  Heart,  Lessons Learned,  Life,  Mental Health

Trying to break the bonds

They say that the first step in solving a problem is admitting that you have a problem.   As difficult as it is for me to do so, I must take this step so that I can begin the process of getting back to being myself.

The last couple of months have been a real struggle.  Watching my aunt die really messed me up mentally, and stirred the “why bother?” demons that I’ve fought with off and on since diagnosis.

I’ve been losing that fight the last 2 months and have finally admitted to myself, and now everyone else, that:

I’m Burned out and Overwhelmed, and that has led to Neglect in my self-care & management of the Diseases I live with, and has resulted in a great deal Self-loathing.

I haven’t had the drive to care for myself as I have been.  For almost 5 years, I’ve thrown myself head first into my treatment and management routines.  Always on top of things.  Yet there are now large gaps in my glucose logs.  And other lapses that just aren’t normal for me.  Let alone healthy.

And as for advocacy?  Well, that hasn’t been a priority either.   Prior to the anniversary post a few days ago, I had not written anything new here on MDH in over a month.  I haven’t been very active elsewhere either.

It’s not that I don’t care or that I’m in denial or anything like that.  It’s that I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.  And right now, I don’t feel that I have anything left of myself to give.

I’m angry at myself.  I hate the feeling that I’m losing control.  I hate feeling weak and that I’m failing.

Eventually, I’ll find my way out of this dark place I’m in and get back to being me.   I have no idea how long that may take, but I’ve taken the first step toward getting there.

I guess that counts for something.

 

Mike

Living with a Confusing Pancreas and a Broken Heart at age 34 #Diabetes #LADA #CongestiveHeartFailure. #MakeDiabetesVisible Creator, Advocate, Blogger, Nature Photographer.

20 Comments

  • Debra Gardner

    Absolutely it counts for something. So sorry for what you’ve been going through. Hang in there, you’ll make your way back:)

  • Lora

    I am so sorry you are struggling. This breaks my heart because I know Justin will face these challenges in his own care one day.

    Take a break from the blogging and advocating… There is nothing wrong with that; we know you haven’t forgotten about us 😉 and we will be here when you feel refreshed.

    Just be sure to take care of yourself.

  • Tim Brand

    Takes a lot of balls to write that, and admit that. Sometimes life becomes too much when loved ones die. All the DOC loves you and will be thinking of you. Hang in there!

  • kerri

    Definitely agree with the others, Mike. Take a break from the avoidable aspects, and re-tune with the unavoidable ones. We’re here whenever you need us–that won’t change if you choose to step away for a bit.

    This is just one turn of the road in the journey–and you’ll get back on the path that feels more right gradually as you explore this one.

    Hugs, brother. <3

  • Robert Muller

    Hang in there Mike. You need to be there for yourself now the way you have been there for the community for years. It’s not easy to take that step back, but it’s healthy, and vital.
    Take care of you, my friend.

  • Jane

    Take as much break as you need. We often take breaks for granted but we need to distance ourselves once in a while in order to see things clearly, recharge and reaffirm our commitments. It is also important that we look out for own needs.

  • Scott K. Johnson

    You’ve been on a really intense journey, Mike. Sometimes there are ebbs and flows along the way. The fact that you’ve noticed and are not happy where you are is a sign that you’re ready to start climbing back out of the hole.

    Lots of hands up here ready to pull you up. Hang in there, keep working, one day at a time.

  • Jamie Naessens

    The others are quite right. You just took that first tentative step into the light, Mike and we are here for the ride. Take the time you need. We’ve all been there, the ride can indeed be all overwhelming. But just go with what feels right, and remember we are out here to support you!

  • Laddie

    Thinking of you as always, Mike. Hope the sun comes out soon in your soul. Until then, we’ve got your back.

  • k2

    Mike –
    Hang in there my friend and allow yourself to take a few beats to take care of yourself, reflect and regroup.
    And know that your community loves and is here for you whenever you need us.
    Xoxo
    Kelly ~

  • Marie

    Hugs, Mike. I think you have my phone number if you want to talk. I’ll listen. I’m here for you. Always.

  • Mike

    Mike

    My sincere thanks to all of you for the out pouring of love and support. It means more than I can tell you.

    Lots of love to you all.

  • Steve RIchert

    Hey Mike,
    Im sorry to hear of your passage through a dark place and I can absolutely relate. I am also struggling with the need to step back and some days its a challenge not to hate myself and just feel like absolute dogshit. The good news is that we are here for you–and that sometimes you have to let yourself feel what you are feeling instead of fighting those feelings for the sake of other people. Do what feels right–be free to do what makes sense for you and from this difficulty will come clarity and from clarity will come action, healing and improvement. You can this and you have support. If you need anything, don’t be afraid to holler–or not too. Take care my friend.

  • Karen

    I’m sorry to hear things have been so tough, but I thank you for sharing with all of us. I hope it has helped in some way, and I know it helps others who are feeling that way. (I often find myself struggling too and I know how isolating it can feel.)