Bitter. Discouraged. Helpless. Morose. Worried. All words that can be used to describe my current state of being.
Some of you may be aware that I have an aunt who has been battling cancer. And some may have seen my tweets and Facebook post last month about the exciting news that the latest round of tests showed the cancer was gone.
Sometimes, though, winning against cancer (or any serious illness really) still leads to a loss of life. Complications from treatments take their toll. And sadly, that appears to be what’s happening with my aunt. Treating the cancer in her neck has wrecked her salivary glands, and that combined with constant problems with her feeding tube have made it extremely difficult for her body to get the nourishment needed to help her body heal.
I received an update last night that things were looking bad, and as of 6:30 p.m. this evening, my aunt was being transported to the hospital.
I try to hold out hope that something can be done to help her. To keep her with us. Having watched April’s mom die of cancer last year, and having been through similar situations with other family members, I’m no stranger to the process and what’s coming. But that doesn’t make things any easier.
I’m bitter. I’m incredibly angry that another family member has gone through this horrible disease.
I’m discouraged that she appears to have beaten the disease itself, yet could still die from the fight.
I feel helpless, knowing that there’s not a damn thing I can do from where I am. There’s not really anything I could do if I were down there, either. I mean, other than raise hell with the doctors and push for them to do something.
I feel a bit morose. I didn’t want to write this post, but needed to get the thoughts out of my head. As I said, I’m all too familiar with this kind of situation, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Worried? Yeah, I’m definitely worried. I’m worried about the hell that my aunt is going through. I’m worried about my grandmother who is doing everything she can to help her daughter fight for her life. I’m worried about my mother who is doing what she can to help her sister, while also trying to keep working and maintaining things at home. I’m worried about the family in general.
And, if I’m being completely honest, I’m more than a bit worried about the affect all of this is having on me.
For now, I wait for the next update and I hope and pray for the best. And, if I may, I ask that you do the same.