Lessons Learned,  Life

Sometimes a win leads to a loss

07/22/2013 /

Bitter.  Discouraged.  Helpless.  Morose.  Worried.   All words that can be used to describe my current state of being.

Some of you may be aware that I have an aunt who has been battling cancer.  And some may have seen my tweets and Facebook post last month about the exciting news that the latest round of tests showed the cancer was gone.

Sometimes, though, winning against cancer (or any serious illness really) still leads to a loss of life.  Complications from treatments take their toll.  And sadly, that appears to be what’s happening with my aunt.  Treating the cancer in her neck has wrecked her salivary glands, and that combined with constant problems with her feeding tube have made it extremely difficult for her body to get the nourishment needed to help her body heal.

I received an update last night that things were looking bad, and as of 6:30 p.m. this evening, my aunt was being transported to the hospital.

I try to hold out hope that something can be done to help her.  To keep her with us.   Having watched April’s mom die of cancer last year, and having been through similar situations with other family members, I’m no stranger to the process and what’s coming.  But that doesn’t make things any easier.

I’m bitter.   I’m incredibly angry that another family member has gone through this horrible disease.

I’m discouraged that she appears to have beaten the disease itself, yet could still die from the fight.

I feel helpless, knowing that there’s not a damn thing I can do from where I am.  There’s not really anything I could do if I were down there, either.  I mean, other than raise hell with the doctors and push for them to do something.

I feel a bit morose.  I didn’t want to write this post, but needed to get the thoughts out of my head.  As I said, I’m all too familiar with this kind of situation, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Worried? Yeah, I’m definitely worried.  I’m worried about the hell that my aunt is going through.  I’m worried about my grandmother who is doing everything she can to help her daughter fight for her life.  I’m worried about my mother who is doing what she can to help her sister, while also trying to keep working and maintaining things at home.  I’m worried about the family in general.

And, if I’m being completely honest, I’m more than a bit worried about the affect all of this is having on me.

For now, I wait for the next update and I hope and pray for the best.  And, if I may, I ask that you do the same.

Living with a Confusing Pancreas and a Broken Heart at age 36 #Diabetes #LADA #CongestiveHeartFailure. #MakeDiabetesVisible Creator, #ALittleHeartCanDoBigThings Creator, Advocate, Blogger, Nature Photographer.

26 Comments

  • Alecia

    07/22/2013 at 9:27 pm

    I’m sorry you are going through this and relate completely to the confusion and fear and sadness that is so consuming when someone beats cancer but the treatment is also beating them.
    Do the best you can taking care of yourself and know a stranger on the interwebs is wishing you and your family peace.

  • Meri

    07/22/2013 at 10:07 pm

    Oh, Mike. I had no idea. I know how hard the journey is. I know the helplessness and the hurt. Prayer helps. That’s all I know. Until then I’ll send my prayers your way…the guy upstairs and i are pretty tight these days. I lean on him every hour of every day. I’m sorry, friend.

    Also, since the article in Diabetic LIving about my family, I’ve been getting emails from people with Type 2. They are lost. They need support. I sent them to your new site and urge them to use the “contact us” tab…is there anywhere else I can send them?

    Much love,
    Meri

    • Mike

      07/22/2013 at 10:33 pm

      Meri, I know you of all people understand this journey, and I’m incredibly sorry that you do. I have the utmost respect and admiration for you and the way you’ve handle all of it. Thank you so much for your prayers and for reaching out. It means more than I can tell you.

      As for the folks with Type 2 who are contacting you, feel free to send them my way. You can also send them to The Type 2 Experience. http://thetype2experience.com/ It’s a collaboration blog produced by some well known type 2’s in the DOC. I’m a contributor.

      Again, thank you so much. Lots of love, my friend!

  • 1Bolus@ATime/Click

    07/22/2013 at 10:22 pm

    Cancer sucks & in the biggest way possible!! I find myself getting angry with you Mike as I look around and try to find one, just one, single family out there that has NOT been touched by cancer. I don’t know about you but I can’t find a single one and that pisses me off even more because unlike the DOC where it’s great to have something in common with others, cancer is not a membership I enjoy having. My grandmother and father played the game and just as you stated winning is still losing. I hate that life knows just how to show us that everything is chance. *sigh* I can’t make the hurt go away, but I can say that I completely understand. Sending you and your family lots of big HUGS & goodvibes as you walk down this crappy path of life!

  • Sara

    07/22/2013 at 11:40 pm

    I am sorry about what you are going through Mike. Know that the DOC is all around you, ready to help in any way that we can!

  • Steve RIchert

    07/23/2013 at 12:32 am

    Hey Mike, It’s good for you to vent your feelings. This is why we are all here after all–your family will be in my prayers. Stay strong and feel whatever you need to, without apology. I have nothing to say that can make things better, but one more person is pulling for you all in this situation. Hang in there and take care of yourself man.

  • Scott E

    07/23/2013 at 5:54 am

    My thoughts are with you and your family, Mike. It’s not fair how we can “fix” one problem, but only at the expense of causing others in the process.

  • Alanna

    07/23/2013 at 7:42 am

    Best wishes, Mike. My dad went through Cancer two years ago and every time another appointment comes up, my heart skips a beat in fear. It’s like a monster hiding under the bed.

  • Bernard Farrell

    07/23/2013 at 7:52 am

    Mike, I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt. My heart goes out to her. I hope she gets some relief from these side effects. Please let me know if there’s anything I do (remotely).

  • Jane

    07/23/2013 at 8:37 am

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through now. I lost my mother to breast cancer before I hit 30. I can definitely understand. Prayers to you and your aunt.

  • Ilana

    07/23/2013 at 10:22 am

    I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. Just checking in to say you’re in my thoughts, and the thoughts of so many out there.

  • Mike Hoskins

    07/23/2013 at 2:58 pm

    I’ve said it elsewhere, but will say it here on this post I missed: Our thoughts are with you, your aunt, and family. Safe travels and best your way, Mike.

  • Colleen

    07/23/2013 at 7:32 pm

    I’m sorry you’re having to go through this with your aunt. It’s frustrating, I know. We went through a very similar situation with my mom.
    You’ll be in my thoughts.
    Taking the time to see her will mean so much, to you and to her.

  • Cherise

    07/23/2013 at 8:18 pm

    Mike,

    I am sorry to hear about your Aunt. I will keep the both of you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!

  • Scott K. Johnson

    07/23/2013 at 10:13 pm

    Sending all sorts of prayers and healing, supportive thoughts to you and your family, Mike. I think it was good for you to write this and work through some of these feelings.