Archive for the ‘Mental Health’ Category
4
Jan
Written by Mike on January 4th, 2012
So, yesterday’s visit with with my primary care doctor was quite revealing. Given the fact that she called me directly and said we needed to discuss a letter she received from my cardiologist, I knew it would be an interesting visit going in.
As I mentioned in a previous post, the results from a recent round of testing performed by the cardiologist indicated that the strength of my heart has deteriorated again, and my ejection fraction is back down to 35%. I knew that going into the appointment yesterday. And I knew that the cardiologist had ordered a more intensive test to confirm that result. What I didn’t know was what he was planning to do if the results were confirmed.
His plan, should the test I’m having next week confirm the ejection fraction is indeed less than 36%, is to arrange for a defibrillator type device that would, hopefully, protect me from sudden cardiac death. In the event that I should go into cardiac arrest due to ventricular fibrillation, the device would shock my heart and restore a normal rhythm. Which in turn should give me a fighting chance to get to the hospital.
Now, that could mean a couple of different things. Worst case: I have to undergo surgery to implant a defibrillator. An operation that, while routine, is fraught with the potential for disaster. Best case: I have to be fitted with a wearable external defibrillator, involving no surgery, etc. If I must have something like that, I’d much prefer the non-invasive option.
At this point, either option is on the table. And what happens next will be determined after the test next Friday. And while I truly hope the results are better, and that the results of the last test were just wrong, the pain in my chest is telling me otherwise.
My primary doctor and I both agreed that obtaining a second opinion from an independent cardiologist was a good idea, so between now and next Friday, I’ll be meeting with a new doctor to have them review my case. Again, I’m trying to be optimistic that fresh thinking on this will result in something good, but as I said, I’m struggling with that.
Until then, it’s a wait and see what happens game. And I’m not good with these games. I can’t begin to describe what all of this is doing to me mentally.
But there was one bit of good news that came of that office visit. My A1C was 7.0, down from 7.4 in September. And given everything that I’m dealing with right now, that’s a damn respectable number.
And at a time when things are quite dark and miserable, it’s nice to see that something I’m doing is still working.
20
Mar
Written by Mike on March 20th, 2011
In previous blog posts and conversations over the last two years, I’ve made no bones about the fact that I’ve battled with bouts of depression and anxiety since I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and type 2 diabetes.
The daily routines of medications, blood sugar testing, meal planning, and other related bullshit, combined with the constant worry of trying to figure out how to pay for all of those medications and testing supplies, are simply overwhelming at times.
Add to that all of the typical stuff that goes along with every day life, you know… work, bills, chores, relationships, etc… and you’ve got yourself a great big barrel of fun.
Then top that off with dealing with a loved one being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and going through all of the activities and emotions that go along with that, and being forced to put a near 9 year relationship on hold while your best friend becomes the primary caregiver for that loved one, and that great big barrel of fun transforms into the biggest clusterf*#K you’ve ever seen.
It’s all enough to destroy someone mentally. And the extreme mental hurt quickly manifests into extreme physical hurt. And you eventually reach a point where you just can’t take it anymore, and feel like throwing the towel in.
As difficult as it is for me to admit, I reached that point in the early part of February.
And the hard part is that I know it didn’t have to happen. I had a little bottle of “happy” pills in my possession that my doctor had given me the month before. I just wasn’t able to take them immediately, because I was starting a new blood sugar medication and had to get through the side effects of it before starting the other medicine.
And then when it was time to start the Celexa, I kept putting it off and putting it off, because of the fear that I’d have the same problems with it that I had with similar drugs years before. When you’ve had a bad experience with medications, or anything for that matter, you tend to shy away from them. It’s perfectly normal to have those feelings.
Things finally reached a point in early February where I knew I needed help, and knew that I had to take the plunge into the world of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications again. And so, on the 21st of last month, I broke the seal on the prescription bottle, cut the little pill in half as the doctor had instructed, and jumped.
Tomorrow, March 21st, will mark a month since I started the medication, and I can honestly say that I’m glad I did. I’m not nearly as edgy as I had been, and feel quite mellow most of the time. And mellow is a good thing.
The moral of this story is this: It’s OK to need help; You just have to ask for it!
7
Sep
Written by Mike on September 7th, 2010
“Depression hurts.” That’s what the lady in the Cymbalta commercial said this morning. My mind screamed, “Lady, you have no idea!” in response. The words never left my mouth, but they sure could have.
I’ve battled depression off and on for many years. It comes and goes, and no two bouts are ever the same. Sometimes it lasts but a day or so, and other times I battle for weeks to get back on track. As of late, I’ve found myself in the later.
I am, for all intents and purposes, fighting with depression right now. And it most certainly does hurt. It hurts mentally, affecting my ability to work, to focus on what’s important, and essentially, to care about much at all.
It hurts physically, affecting my blood sugars, my blood pressures, and causing headaches and other aches and pains.
I hate the way I’m feeling right now. Like I’m caught in a dense fog, and can’t see anything around me. I know it will pass eventually, I’ve been through it all before, but I’m struggling with it nonetheless.
Perhaps a vacation would help. It would certainly give me some time to rest, and hopefully clear my mind of the funk that has filled it. I have a three day weekend coming to me this week; I just have to make it through the rest of today and tomorrow, and then I’ll have Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off. If that doesn’t help, well, I do have plenty of vacation time racked up.
I think I can make it, I think I can make it. No wait…………..I KNOW I CAN! And here we go……….
