Trying to Fix Me
The better part of the last year, since watching my aunt die of cancer on July 27, 2013, has been a real struggle for me mentally. That experience pretty much blew open Pandora’s box of “why bother?” demons and poured them all over my head.
While I’m no stranger to fighting those demons, this time has been different. This time, I’ve been losing that fight. I haven’t had the drive to care for myself as I have been. For almost 5 years, I’ve thrown myself head first into my treatment and management routines. Always on top of things. Yet there are now large gaps in my glucose logs. And other lapses that just aren’t normal for me. Let alone healthy.
I finally admitted to myself and others that:
I’m Burned out and Overwhelmed, and that has led to Neglect in my self-care & management of the Diseases I live with, and has resulted in a great deal Self-loathing.
And I finally admitted to myself that I was going to have to take a step back from things in order to focus on trying to fix me. Which would explain the lack of activity here on the blog and the decline in my level of engagement in the DOC as of late. I’m still around, warming the bench a bit, but I’m around.
As I said during Diabetes Blog Week back in May, “Sometimes you have to get your affairs in order, before you try to change the world.” That has been my cause over the last two months.
At the end of May, I sat down and came up with a list of goals and a plan of action to get myself back on track. I wanted to focus two major areas: self care and my living space.
Under the umbrella of self care, I’ve been working on getting back to my diabetes management routine, making sure I’m getting the medications that are vital to my survival, and trying to make sure I’m eating healthy foods and getting some exercise. Oh, and trying to get more sleep.
To get started, I went back and dug out the management and meal plans my CDE gave me when I was diagnosed, and combined that information with the structured nutrition and exercise plans of Team Beachbody’s 21-Day Fix program. Hey, you’ve got to start somewhere, right? And I’ve been keeping a journal to track everything I eat, along with blood sugar checks at each meal, and medication doses and times.
I’ve essentially gone back to the beginning and started over. And so far, I’m seeing success again. I’ve lost 6 pounds over the last month and my blood sugars have been decent. My latest A1C was 7.3, but I’m OK with that. That’s a good number all things considered. And will no doubt be better next time around.
As for my living space, I’m working toward making my apartment a more peaceful and relaxing place to be in. That’s involving a major purge of things that I don’t need. It feels good to be getting rid of all of this stuff. Though, I must admit, it has been a bit difficult to let go of some things.
So, that’s where I am at the moment. I’m focusing on what’s important right now. Fixing me.
There’s still a lot of work to be done, and it’s taken nearly a year to get to this point, but I finally feel like the B.O.N.D.S. are breaking.
And for that, I’m thankful.
If you’d like more information about the 21-Day Fix program or have other questions, visit my sister Ashley’s page over at Team Beachbody.
Mike
Living with a Confusing Pancreas and a Broken Heart at age 36 #Diabetes #LADA #CongestiveHeartFailure. #MakeDiabetesVisible Creator, #ALittleHeartCanDoBigThings Creator, Advocate, Blogger, Nature Photographer.
24 Comments
k2
Mike –
I’m so glad you’re taking the time to work on yourself!
Keep up the great work!
#dblogcheck
Mike
Thanks Kelly. Lots of love.
Heather Gabel
Coming out from that is so challenging and I am so proud of you for having the courage to begin the transition. I cycle through burnout pretty often and they occur at varying degrees. As of late, I’ve been thinking that maybe I hang in burnout mode because it sort of feels like a recharge period. Just to not focus and obsess as much on the numbers and the game of it all. BUT the toughest part for me is being aware that not focusing on the numbers and letting management slip does the opposite of help me recharge. Does that happen to you also? Thank you for sharing and opening up. It is great to hear from you <3 Hugs!
Kate Cornell
Wonderful! Way to acknowledge a problem and take care of it. Kudos to you!
Colleen
I always think it’s great when someone shares what they’re doing to improve their life. Gives the rest of us some encouragement to do the same!
Nice post, Mike!
Karen
You are an inspiration and I’m so proud of you for all of this hard work. I’ve missed you, but I’m glad you are taking the time needed to get yourself healthy, both physically and mentally.
#dblogcheck
Mike
Thank you so much, Karen. Lots of love!
Jenn
Fixing ourselves is always the first step. We can’t help others, if we ourselves are broken.
Great job.
Corina
Thanks for sharing this, you are an inspiration! Keep up the good work! #dblogcheck
Kelley
I went back to old information I got a while ago and it’s funny to re-educate yourself because while I think I know a lot, I relearned things that I had forgotten. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!
Sue
I am so happy this was the first blog I came across as part of #dblogcheck. Your words are speaking what so many of us don’t care to admit. I’m going for my bloodwork tomorrow and I admit I’m scared. However as you basically said, there’s no going back. Only forward. I can’t change what has happened but I can change what I do from now on as a result. Sending love and hugs, my friend!
Mike
Sue, best wishes for your bloodwork tomorrow. Lots of love!
Sue
Thanks! I should have the results on Friday. I’ll probably blog about the results. 😉
Laddie Lindahl
Mike, I always worry about you when you’re struggling. Hopefully you’ll continue to find motivation with the plan you’re on. Your photos always give me tremendous joy and peace and I appreciate that gift that you share with us. Don’t ever underestimate how much those of us in the DOC value you.
Mike
Laddie, Thank you so much for your kindness. I’m glad that you enjoy the photos that I share. Being out in nature and capturing those images is something that brings peace and joy to my life. Lots of love, my friend!
RenzaS
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time, but I am so impressed that you are sharing this and working towards breaking the B.O.N.D.S.
Tom DiabetesDad Karlya
BONDS broken can only allow the construction, reconstruction, building; to begin. My money is on you, Mike. And to the “why bother?”……answer; cuz this world would be left with a void that you could never imagine………but we know; because we know you. And any help you need ‘fixing you’…..you let us know because we need Mike; we ALL NEED MIKE. Got it? Hugs Brother.
Carol
Mike, you’re a great teacher to others on how to handle the down times in life. Thank you for sharing.
Stacey D.
We’re here for you Mike if you need a little push. I need to get back in the saddle myself when it comes to diet + exercise. Baby steps! I wish you the best always 🙂 #dblogcheck
Mike Hoskins
I’m sorry for all the struggles, but am happy to hear you’ve been making progress and getting back to a place you want to be. Congrats on the moves you’ve made so far. I think many of us forget about that key point, that we really need to focus on ourselves and make sure we’re all good before we can try to make a difference for others. Always my best, Mike, and I’m sending you hugs and wishes. Thanks for being who you are — I am personally so lucky to be able to call you a friend.
Ashley Rose
The very first instructor I had in nursing school had a saying: “the most important patient you’ll ever take care of is yourself.” It didn’t resonate with me at the time, but I get it now. If we aren’t tending to our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health then we just aren’t at our best for doing everything that we want to do for others… and yet as people who naturally do for others before we do for ourselves, it’s such a foreign concept to check-in with ourselves and make sure that we’re doing ok amidst everything that we’re doing for others.
I’m so glad that you’re working to give yourself the care and attention (health and otherwise) that you deserve. and I’m honored that I was able to be even a teeny part of it. You’re doing wonderful things for yourself and I’m so proud of you for it. Keep up the AWEsome work, bro.
Manny
Brother,
You are amazing! You, Mike, are doing all the right things, and you have so much courage: to pick yourself up after facing multiple challenges, and to be open about it with the world. Not too many do this, and you are one of them!
With love and admiration,
MANNY
Alanna
Congratulations on recognizing you need to put you first, and even more congrats on doing it. That’s huge! Way to go!
Alecia
Admitting you’re having a tough time is so incredibly hard. I think I struggle with it in the ‘think positive and things will be positive” point-of-view which isn’t always ideal. I’m inspired by your taking time approach (especially the living space purge) and am cheering you on.